illusions

You know what, Hollywood has been playing with our heads for so long, most of us are delusional with the idea of the ‘perfect love story’, ‘true love’, ‘soulmates’.. I admit i was delusional too..

Love isnt seamless and easy and sweet all the time, movies dont show what happens next after the big proposal, or the big gestures, or the loving kisses and cuddles. the ‘happy ever afters’ dont quite exist. Instead, cheating, deceiving, lying, and heartache happen in the long run/ in the real world. People meet and part. I have realized – the hard way – that everything in life is temporary. everything. money, health, happiness, sorrow, love, friendship. everything. 

it seems some people love the easy way out. most people wont fight for love. wont stand up for what they believe is right. wont put effort to make relationships work. one of my close male friends once told me that if a guy wants something/someone, there is nothing/noone that will stop him. then why is it that all i see around me are guys who have been either too lazy or too proud to go after the woman that they love. Just because something is hard/needs work doesnt mean that you give up at the first obstacle and convince yourself it wasnt meant to be.

Man is a lazy creature.

Man is garfield.  

How I Hate Your Mother

The main reason why women don’t like mama’s boys is because competing with the woman who gave birth to him just isn’t an option. For me, it is primarily because I do not see any ‘alpha male’ quality anymore. And I need to respect my man, knowing he can stand up for himself and for me when and if needed.

Knowing that he cares about his parents and is sensitive towards his mother is nice, it adds a soft side to a man’s character and image. However, being a hand puppet for his mommy, is not only a turn off, but it is a sure way to ruin his and his partner’s lives.

enough said.

inside out

(WARNING: vulnerable post ahead!)

I had the week from hell last week. It stirred up a lot of emotions, and I am not a melodramatic person, nor an uber emotional one. I am very compassionate however.

and that is a downside. as I feel what people feel, and I get sad when they do, happy when they are, but worse of all, I feel horrible when I find myself useless in my many trials to help those I care about. It’s not about the failure. It mainly is about me wanting to see them happy, and being unable to control that. I know I cant have everyone around me happy, as it is not in my hands, but I so wish it were…

but disappointment never stopped me before, and it sure as hell won’t stop me now… I will keep trying.

 

I however am saddened when I feel I am not as good a friend as I thought I were. I am sometimes impulsive, sometimes dont think things through, and mostly I speak before thinking when I am around people I love. I think I need to re-evaluate and assess myself a little these coming days… and I know I will be hard on myself, thats just me!  and I can’t bear the thought of not being there as I want for my friends.

Call me an idiot, but it makes me feel less adequate to know someone else is better at this than me with certain people I hold dear to my heart…

the pale blue dot

So I took  my car to service today, and that humming annoying noise apparently was a bigger problem than I anticipated. so it’s a 2 day job, and I will be carless till midweek. it’s funny how it cripples our mobility big time in this country being carless. had I been in europe or the states where the weather is friendlier, i would probably be biking it everywhere and anywhere.. oh well. it’s only two days.

wasnt the world a lot easier and simpler, around, like, ten years back? when the bloom didnt even start in Dubai and when Apple and BlackBerry were still merely fruits? when kids played in playgrounds rather than being glued to a mobile phone at 5 years of age, and being hooked on video games.. most homes are not “booked” enough, for a lack of better words hehe, most kids I have seen (friends’ kids, or even kids in our distant and immediate family) do not read! its sad! we had shelves and shelves of endless books on literature (dad’s second degree was in english literature may he rest in peace) history (both parents loved history and politics especially) and novels (mom is a diligent reader of arabic novels).. I wish I can say the same for the houses I visit. I think I will be a very military-like mother whenever the time comes God willing. No TV addiction, no timepasses that add no value to my kids’ lives and intellect, no useless toys.. seriously! I want to raise them the way my mom and dad took the time to raise us. the concept of ‘modern’ families does not appeal to me and I absolutely think it’s a failing concept anyway. look at all the dysfunctional families around, marriage itself has become a failing concept these days, with the rise in divorce rates, and the endless bachelors and bachelorettes (a decision made by choice!)..

I have been thinking way too much about the world and what it has come to for around a fortnight.. was not inspired much to write but today I somewhat am. (for my one man audience out there! Hey Marv, my loyal reader lol). After watching History Channel’s episodes of the lost book of Nostradamus and how his predictions have been very accurate for so long, that maybe, just maybe, his prediction of the world ending in 2012, might just be right. Of course I am a strong believer, and I will always trust my faith in God with everything, would not believe a person over God. But I have to say I was intregued, and it was very thought provoking. I always thought I would die at 32, what if I do! did I acheive all I wanted? did I go every where I hoped? will I leave behind any regrets? Can’t help but think of all of that.. Which brings me back to my original lingering and frightening question: did I fulfill my passion in this life? and the sad answer was: a big fat NO. And that shook me. Approaching 30 fastly and furiously makes me even more concerned.

I should give my poor exhausted mind a rest I reckon. I barely sleep. Shouldn’t  burden it with continuous thoughts!

Thanks for reading (Marv). Wishing you [all, if any] a good day.

blahs

* I hate being sick, and non-winter flu is the worst! and funny thing is, no one seems to ask about you when you’re sick. its like *officer down! ok, we got 5364291 other friends to go out with* jeez people.. on a serious note. I hate fevers! i can tolerate any pain, except the ones in my face.

* man is a strange being by all means. its funny how one can love, but not need their loved one. or at least not as much as one needed them at the very beginning of their relationship. so which one is it? “out of sight, out of mind” or “distance makes the heart grow fonder” ?? i myself am not quite sure which one applies.. however, i believe what some perceive as possessiveness, might merely be fear of losing the one person one felt comfortable and strong for.

* will end this short post with a poem thats been brewing since the morning in my rather exhausted and mushy mind.. I am so tired. I think I got a little delusional today!

Untitled

Your eyes so full of apathy
Your mouth knows not but hurt
Walk away from these demons
And remember thy love filled heart
Walk closer and hold me tight
I need to feel complete
Take my hand and lead the way
I want you to feel my need
Had you been in my place
I would not think or hesitate
I would catch you if you fall
Would want to be there if  you brake
I want to be the one you breathe
I want to be your all…

January.. overlook

This January was one big wedgie!

I swear my life is one crazy rollercoaster and a series of dramatic events that I do not know how and why I keep coming across. But no complaints, I guess no one can do my life but me. and I believe that God knows my capacity, and wont give me more than I can handle.

My best friend who only got married a little more than a year back, and now is a proud mother of a 2 month old beautiful girl, is getting a divorce. That has been very emotionally draining for her and even me, I love her to bits and I cant believe what a scum bag her husband is. He simply ruined her life, taking her out of her well paying, decent and very  comfortable job, out of her loving family’s house, to take her to another country where she found out half way through her pregnancy that he is already married (3urfi) to someone 9 years older than him, and has a baby girl from her as well!  Urgh. I feel so frustrated for her. Seriously, she must be the most innocent person I ever met. I think its because she is so innocent, she couldnt see the signs of deceipt. Or he was too good of an actor… I am just happy that she is strong about it, she will stand up for herself and walk away, while most women in our part of the world will stay in a crappy marriage fearing the label of a ‘divorced woman’ and fearing the financial burdens, or just fearing loneliness..

Back to me, my new boss is a lovely woman, amazing at what she does, very knowledgeable and hands on with her job and that is refreshing in comparison with my previous boss.. however! yes you knew that was a ‘but’ moment there.. she wants to relocate the whole regional team in its intirety (63 staff who have lives and families in Dubai) to Egypt to make her life easier! Not to mention cut cost on Dubai’s budget.. Oh, well. Let’s see how that goes. I am hopeful. : )

So many has happened in January, many I will not mention or go over briefly not even in a notion. But it was a month of stress, tough decisions, friendships made and some lost. But most of all, my belief in that tough times are the best teachers, mostly we learn of our own strength, has become an even deeper belief.

January. Glad its over!

on expectations and such..

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy – the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
– Eric Hoffer

Sometimes, unintentionally, i give some people the benefit of the doubt, or too much credit, or just like them enough to expect the best out of them. Normally, i dont have much expectations, to avoid disappointment. But sometimes, it happens. w ghaltet il sha6er bi alf. (loosely translated into: a wise man’s err is equal to a thousand mistakes)

Disappointment is a hard emotion to process, its something that will always feel bad. Like with a first love, it will always be intense, the ones that come after that, less intense. but with disappointment, it will always hurt the same. I think what hurts more is the affirmation that our judgement is impaired and flawed.

The ways i found effective in getting over it, is disenchantment, and detachment.

Last friday in Ramadan

And what did i do? Nothing! Absolutely nothing.

I am not one bit happy with my ‘activity’ this Ramadan. I had so much to do, humanitarian work, relatives visiting, work load was a bit more than usual, and the little time i had left, was not enough for all the religiousness i was planning to catch up on..

It seems that every year that goes by, im losing the energy i had, for midnight prayer for example.. and i dont necessarily like it.. i feel guilty in fact!

Wishing you all a serene end to a peaceful month. and a Happy Eid : )

20 April.. what a black monday

he was supposed to turn 60 in June. God had other plans.

mom texted sis and i saying he’s tired, and that we should come down and see him.. hopefully when he sees us he will feel better. we did not even set foot in the plane when we got the call that he had passed. i havent seen dad in 3 years, and sis hasnt seen him since start of 2008. the flight was a blur really.. once we got there my cousin picked us up, took us to the hospital where dad passed.. we had to say goodbye to one of the most amazing people and one of the greatest fathers who ever lived in the morgue.. mkaffan. ice cold. yet smiling. he passed away smiling. i still cant believe i have to say allah yer7amo every time i mention my dad.. he did not get to see me in white, never will see my children.. but im sure he will be watching over us all. he always was our guardian. our protector.

please send out a prayer when you read this. Allah yer7amak w ye7sen eleik ya rab.

change is the only constant

everything else is variable..  i completely agree with that proverb.

everyone changes at some point, i believe it happens at least once every 5 years of ones life, some change occurs in preferences, taste, degree of stubbornness, some qualities mellow out, others become more intense.. even if it was a very small change, it happens, personally, some things i liked 5 years ago don’t quite matter to me now..

so when you realize that your partner/spouse is changing.. in ways you did not see/expect, what do you do? do you immediately run away? do you doubt the foundation of your relationship? does it make you evaluate your current partner’s personality as a separate one from the initial personality you knew him/her with? i guess what I’m trying to ask is: would change eventually lead to an end?

one cant always be certain of everything, however, in relationships, i reckon its more of a leap of faith! you’re not certain of how things will go, but you have almost utmost faith in your better half.. or at least that’s what the idealist in me thinks.. i believe love will conquer all.. yeah yeah i know, wishfull thinking, foolish optimist, etc etc.. but that’s what i believe.. love should be the foundation, the base, the essence. and it should be the reason for eventual acceptance, and a partner’s accomodation to those changes. also, i find talking helps, there should be clear communication between a couple to figure out what is the reason behind any change, especially if that change is dramatic. coz i dont think anyone wakes up to realize something has changed! its a process, and stages, and unless the couple communicates properly, it will go unnoticed until it hits you one day and you find yourself in a rut!

the scary part is not knowing how to take a leap of faith anymore..

crash and burn..

sometimes.. you plan something unintentionally.. its not like you plan it on paper and figure out all its details, just something you want to happen.. sometime in the future in a way or another.. you’re just taking it a day at a time.. all signs are positive.. everything seems to be heading that way.. then something happened.. life happened. and life is a hoe.

so what is one to do when one’s plans come crashing down? one cant give up! coz i believe that winners never quit, and quitters never win. but how do you go on with your life when something that has taken a huge part of your time, effort, emotions, money and years, just doesnt seem to be coming together into reality anymore!?

im a strong person, who has a lot of faith in myself and in God and in fate and karma, and all things spiritual, i believe that some factors of life are out of our control, and the remaining most, is usually in our hands. i’ve never lacked patience… yet i find myself hopeless now. and i hate that feeling!

looking at my last post, i think im coming across as a whiner!! but for those who know me in person, and they are very few.. you know im not. i just have more on my plate than ever before.. apologies to the readers (if any)! lol

122/185

Neutral November

neither sweet, nor bitter, a bit of both : )

الذكرى المشؤومة لوعد بلفور

sad memories of great people (4 year memorial today. may he rest in peace)

warm memories of the start of my journey with spirituality..

sweet memories of reuniting : )

when friends get married

my best friend of 5 years will be getting married in Jan, and moving away to her soon-to-be husband’s country of origin, as he is happy and she also loves it there, in addition to that, he has a great job where he will be providing very well for her and their future family.

we call each other everyday in the mornings, or sms to check up on one another, we used to work together for a year then i left but we still kept that ritual of early morning smss and calls, every alternating weekend of outings and catching up, and every problem shared and discussed as if we’re sisters.. and somehow, we grew to become just that.

as hard as it is for me to say goodbye, i cant be selfish and ask her to stay. its so difficult finding friends when you’re not a kid, and in such a cruel city with no genuine social contacts, it will be hard going forward.. oh well, i guess life is really a series of meetings and partings..

 

deja vu 9

a tale of two entities..

 

 

independent and on her own.. thought she needs not a partner, all she needed were friends.. silent when times are tough, even when her eyes can scream the words.. they found each other when they both werent looking.. it was an instant connection, love at first sight.. they never believed that would happen, yet, it so intensely did.. she had her fears.. she pushed him away.. didnt want to get too attached, for the uncertainty that lingered over their future was weighing her down.. she didnt want to hurt, but she did when she let him go.. lonely days and loneliner nights.. breathing just to pass time.. waiting for salvation..

time passed by, the days like months and months like years and years like decades.. slower than a rainy gloomy day.. until a fine november night came and their eyes met again.. by chance? or was it the work of fate? they didnt know, and they didnt care.. all they felt was alive again! their heartbeats were so loud they almost choked all words from coming out.. it was like they never were apart.. nothing changed.. except for their age.. they thought they moved on, but in truth, the world turned as they both stayed put.. kept holding on.. their love only grew stronger.. even though unspoken of..

 

they say “if you love someone set them free, if they come back they’re yours to keep”.. im praying its true

 

deja vu 7

Love and hate:

are 2 faces to the same coin. a thin line separates them.. intense emotions of dislike can turn into the most passionate love if given a chance to blossom, and the corniest of love stories can turn into the fiercest war..

 

to forgive is divine they say.. and i truly agree. for so many ppl loved and went separate ways.. yet so very few didnt hold a grudge towards the one who said goodbye.

 

it takes courage to realize that things wont work, and maturity to accept the fact, and wisdom to let it go. and thats what separates men from the boys.

wishful thinking?

why do people hope? why do we hold on to hope like naive innocent children when we know there is a (big) chance of disappointment? what is it about the thought of a better tomorrow or the thought of things working out like you’ve painted them in your head that keeps us going in life? or is it just a ray of light to hold onto through the darkest hours? could it be that hope is corelated to faith? our faith in God lets us know we will be ok, and keeps us sane, and keeps us from ending our lives.. so is hope a form of faith?

i sometimes think i shouldnt hope anymore, for anything! i had a lot of disappointments and was mad at my Creator many times (may He forgive me)… however, i still find myself hoping and wishing..

8/185

a small summer thanksgiving..

1. Thank you both for bringing him to this world, so i can meet him 19 years later.. and hold on to him forever..
2. Thank You Almighty for always watching over me, i would have never made it without Your Providence..
3. Thank you love, for being who you are, and for always being there, and for the tremendous joy you bring to my life everyday.. i can’t thank you enough, but i promise to love you forever..
4. Thank you hard times for shaping what i am today.. without all the ordeals i would have never known how strong i truly am inside.
5. Thank you both for being the best parents you can be, for raising me right and giving me all the basics i need to move on in my life and make it on my own.
6. Thank you RH for being the best friend i can ever ask for.. bless u girl!
7. Thank you RN for teaching me professionalism and promptness, and what it takes to be a great boss who is respected, and loved.
8. Im thankful for all my 7 senses, may they sustain me a lifetime..
9. Thank God for spring and summer!

untitled

Untitled

Leave me at the end of the world
where all my screaming will be unheard
there I can find myself alone..
In darkness where i feel safe and sound
Solitude is the best friend you can get
No hurt, no pain and no regret
Leave me in a place to clear my head
I feel so raged yet so brain dead..  

|HadeS|

regret

is something i dont usually feel, since i am convinced that everything happens for a reason and usually all the mistakes and misjudgements that we do in our lives have a lesson to be learnt, and that they happened at a time when we werent in the best mental or emotional state and somehow that makes it ok.. also im a firm believer that if one keeps looking back, one wont move forward..

however, the past few days, and for the first time in my 27 years of living, i feel remorse over an act i have done 3 years ago (exactly 3 years and 4 days ago)… i had a lousy medical procedure which i thought might make things right but failed drasticly, not to mention now i am facing some bad complications that might affect my body forever. in addition to that, there is the monetary cost i will have to pay to rectify what went wrong, and that wasnt at all planned for.. i havent slept since friday, except for 2 hours last night, just thinking of options and solutions and how and when, im waiting to run some tests to assess the amount of damage that happened, and this anticipation and the wait is the hardest…

i just wish i did my homework more thoroughly.. i guess there’s no use in wishing now, except wishing that God will be merciful as He always is..

where’s the good in goodbye..

O, how i loathe goodbyes.. not all of them though.. just when the closest people leave anywhere for a long time..

i remember when i first went to uni, i was 16 and full of life, still am, but i was full of life and very naive, now i like to think i’ve crossed that stage.. i dint even shed half a tear at the airport saying bye to my parents.. i was so excited to start the adventure of independence! but when i graduated uni, and after 4 years of almost every emotion on earth felt, and the hundreds of friends i made, i left to the airport alone, in a cab, without saying goodbye to anyone.

A silent exit. (drama queen didi)

i felt so helpless yesterday saying goodbye to my better half as he went for a ten day trip home before he leaves to europe for his Phd, and even though its not the first time i bid him farewell, it was more painful the second time around, and i am sure it will be more painful every time to come.. until he is done with his degree or we get married and i move, whichever comes first.. i never drove him to the airport btw.. even when my best friend/more like a sister to me came 2 years ago for a week, i dint take her to the airport, i just cant.

insane? maybe.. but i just cant say goodbye to anyone i love at the airport..i break down like a 6 year old and cry my eyes out… im sentimental like that.  

 

the not so ‘in’ feeling..

incomplete..

oldies # 2..

Best moments in life:

1. Falling in love. (u bet!)
2. Laughing till your stomach hurts. (yes!)
3. Enjoying a ride down the country side.
4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio. (especially if ur already hyper)
5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside. (not for me but i wud like to wake up to snow)
6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with a warm, fuzzy towel. (ahhhh…)
7. Passing your final exams with good grades. (especially if u dint bother studying!)
8. Being part of an interesting conversation.
9. Finding some money in some old pants. (and if ur broke it wud be an extra gr8 feeling)
10. Laughing at yourself.
11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your friends.
12. Laughing without a reason.
13. “Accidentally” hearing someone say somthing good about you. (ego boost? maybe! but it is a nice feeling)
14. Watching the sunset. (i prefer sunrise)
15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important person in your life. (yessssssss!)
16. Feeling that warmth in your guts when seeing this “special” someone.
17. Having a great time with your friends.
18. Seeing the one you love happy.
19. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and smelling his/her perfume. (this is amazing..)
20. Visiting an old friend of yours and remembering great memories. (takes u back in time! i love this one)

i wud like to add a few of my favorite moments (and please feel free to add urs as well :D)

21. having ice cream in the rain/snow
22. sunbathing! the feel of the sun on one’s skin is just grand!
23. bumping into ur loved one as ur both buying cards/gifts for one another
24. waking up to ur loved one’s face
25. Hear the words “allah yerda 3aleiki” from ur parents
26. helping out a needy one or an elderly or a cripple
27. the moment ur ear pops open after a really bad flu and u can hear clearly again lol
28. going home early from work (il tazweegh:D)
29. having cheese cake (enter any pig-out favorite here) when ur depressed
30. a chick flick with some tears in the end
31. receiving flowers (whether ur a guy or girl it just feels tingly all over)
32. someone randomly saying “aww u look so nice together” when u and ur better half r together
33. surprise gifts
34. spur of the moment get aways
35. the smell of a new car

MOFOs!

blogger is blocked at work now.. urghhhh!!

Untitled…

An image made of light

I see clouds not so white

a mixture of yellow, blue and grey

some rays battle and go astray

i sit with my hands holding my head

i cant bear the sounds of silence, oh so dead..

an aching heart, a dormant mind

an endless fight that’s not so kind

both bearing daggers and knives

a fight ending in death of beleifs and lives

they lie there looking so waif and dead

and even in Death, they again were wed…

HadeS

mumbo not so jumbo

im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

i have 1) a splitting headache, 2) an enormous urge to kill my boss, 3) an itch in my throat and signs of the flu 😮 (that wud be the gazillionth in 6 months!)

i dowanna cook anymore, or do the laundry, or think of work, or even have to work! i just wanna live in peace.. do nothing, just lay there, no movement, or sound, or light.. everything is made and everything in place. i just wanna become a parasite! try to be a mooch for a change.. been holding responsibilities since i was 21.. 6 long years.. all alone. im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

salty water..

Tears are words from the heart that cannot be spoken.

-Anonymous

Qwaider’s post about crying and all the comments on how crying is so liberating and such a big relief made me feel a bit alienated.. i donno how but it felt wierd not to be able to relate..

i havent cried in, oh, 6 months.. and before that, 3 years… i dont get the urge to cry anymore, altho sometimes i feel i SO need it to relax my weery little head.. but having been a person who cried so much in her younger years, i find it now a waste of my time.. it wont solve anything now wud it? it will only cause a headache and a stuffy nose..

then why the hell do i miss it!

on work and passion for what u do

or lack thereof!

isnt it the most demotivating feeling when u have to drag urself out of bed to head to an office where u dont feel ur doing anything u like with anyone u like?? is passion for work or working in a line of business ur crazy about just an illusion?! no im sure artists and musicians and actors are living that dream! but what bout the rest of us?

i remember my first job, i loved it! i used to run and skip to the office lol i had 2 terrible colleagues, was working for a sorry excuse of a bank, working with difficult clients AND getting peanuts for pay, but i just loved it! it was fun, busy, fulfilling, and client oriented… i feel i lost that feeling. ever since i left that place (3 years ago) both jobs i took after that were purely for the financial gain.. i feel nothing towards what i do for a living.. if anything, i feel machine-like.. what bothers me most, and saddens me too, is that i truly donno what is it i wanna do.. i have 2 degrees yet they dont come handy! i cant work by my psychology degree in this country unless i have a masters degree from the states/europe, and then have 2 years of experience.. and im currently working by my Commerce degree, but im finding equities a bit too dull for me.. i wish i studied medicine.. and became a surgeon like my childhood dream was.. i need ppl! i need interaction! i need to feel like i am helping someone out! ORRRR go purely by my passion and work in a more artistic line of business.. still that doesnt pay well! arghhh! why does it have to be one way or the other? fulfillment or financial stability? why cant we have it all!!!!

sigh..