illusions

You know what, Hollywood has been playing with our heads for so long, most of us are delusional with the idea of the ‘perfect love story’, ‘true love’, ‘soulmates’.. I admit i was delusional too..

Love isnt seamless and easy and sweet all the time, movies dont show what happens next after the big proposal, or the big gestures, or the loving kisses and cuddles. the ‘happy ever afters’ dont quite exist. Instead, cheating, deceiving, lying, and heartache happen in the long run/ in the real world. People meet and part. I have realized – the hard way – that everything in life is temporary. everything. money, health, happiness, sorrow, love, friendship. everything. 

it seems some people love the easy way out. most people wont fight for love. wont stand up for what they believe is right. wont put effort to make relationships work. one of my close male friends once told me that if a guy wants something/someone, there is nothing/noone that will stop him. then why is it that all i see around me are guys who have been either too lazy or too proud to go after the woman that they love. Just because something is hard/needs work doesnt mean that you give up at the first obstacle and convince yourself it wasnt meant to be.

Man is a lazy creature.

Man is garfield.  

on marriage and men

this post has been brewing in my mind for a while. so has the subject.

im an observant more than anything in life. well that, and an ‘inane chatter’ as a friend once put it. and you know what? I am not a fan of generalizing and stereotyping but I gotta say this whole heartedly after a lot of thought and observation..: all men are the same. whatever nationality/ culture/ background/ upbringing/ race/ colour/ religion, they’re all copy paste of one another. and that is NOT i repeat NOT a pretty picture to have so many copies of.

I was having a rather interesting conversation (well I am still unsure how the conversation turned in that direction, but I believe it had something to do with the number of beautiful women passing by) with a man I hold so much respect for, admire professionally, and consider a good company as we are somewhat on the same wavelength with many subjects (except today I was disappointed.. it saddens me to admit that..). the guy is a stunning man, him being handsome is a unanimous feedback amongst the girls (married or single!) that have met him -whatever their ‘type’ may be – he is also quite rich, young, bubbly, very popular, and yes, married. The dream man of all my friends, is in fact taken. Married to a wonderful woman who he had pursued for many years to agree to leave her family and marry him and move to another country, however, he loves her dearly and she knew that he would be the great husband (and father) that he is. So today I was in shock when he turned around to me after eyeing every girl who was in the vicinity and said: “Dima, how wrong is it if I cheat? I am a man, like everyone else, and every other man I know has at least 3 girls on the side”! Of course Dima was very shocked to say the least. This coming from a decent man that I respect and look up to, was the final straw. I have lost all faith in men. They’re all identical, different packaging, but nonetheless, identical.

Which brings me to my growing belief that marriage is way too over-rated.. We don’t need it!  Love is not designed to last from what I have seen so far, and Dubai is a multicultural place so these couples I have observed are of all ethnic backgrounds and beliefs. Kids are a burden in this recession infested day and age. companionship also can be bought! and for those who have no problem with physical ‘interaction’, marriage provides nothing new, and for those who are celibate, marriage is a mirage where one of you (mostly the male) will end up wanting more than just that ‘one’ person to experience more physical intimacy with, as let’s face it, humans are greedy creatures, and most will fall for that voice in their head that begs to invade new ‘territories’ since they missed out on that in their youth/single life. Why is sexual advancement experimenting through multiple partners so important? Does it make you a better man if you had more partners than your peers? Does loyalty mean nothing to anyone anymore? What about contentment?? I keep hearing that most cheaters love their kids, and most even love their wives. Would never leave them for one of their ‘mistresses’ but just feel that they HAVE to have someone on the side, maybe because society anticipates them to? or their gender is expected to??

You do NOT need to do something just because you can, or because i’ts offered and easily accessable, most cheaters get a thrill when they get away with it… they think they have become invincible. What about Karma?? Does no one fear Karma or Divine Punishment anymore?

I am in no way saying women are all angels. So no assumptions please. But the percentage of women cheaters in comparison to men, is less. It’s growing for sure, but i believe their reasons are different. I’ll leave that for another post.

a love hate relationship

Wiki defines a love hate relationship as follows:

A love-hate relationship is a personal relationship involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and enmity. This relationship does not have to be of a romantic nature, and may be instead of a sibling one. It may occur when people have completely lost the intimacy within a loving relationship, yet still retain some passion for, or perhaps some commitment to, each other.

Doesnt that describe most marriages?

Now on a serious note, I wonder, do we actually need a little bit of hate to enhance the love? just as darkness is essential to appreciate light? is too much love just not healthy?

 

January.. overlook

This January was one big wedgie!

I swear my life is one crazy rollercoaster and a series of dramatic events that I do not know how and why I keep coming across. But no complaints, I guess no one can do my life but me. and I believe that God knows my capacity, and wont give me more than I can handle.

My best friend who only got married a little more than a year back, and now is a proud mother of a 2 month old beautiful girl, is getting a divorce. That has been very emotionally draining for her and even me, I love her to bits and I cant believe what a scum bag her husband is. He simply ruined her life, taking her out of her well paying, decent and very  comfortable job, out of her loving family’s house, to take her to another country where she found out half way through her pregnancy that he is already married (3urfi) to someone 9 years older than him, and has a baby girl from her as well!  Urgh. I feel so frustrated for her. Seriously, she must be the most innocent person I ever met. I think its because she is so innocent, she couldnt see the signs of deceipt. Or he was too good of an actor… I am just happy that she is strong about it, she will stand up for herself and walk away, while most women in our part of the world will stay in a crappy marriage fearing the label of a ‘divorced woman’ and fearing the financial burdens, or just fearing loneliness..

Back to me, my new boss is a lovely woman, amazing at what she does, very knowledgeable and hands on with her job and that is refreshing in comparison with my previous boss.. however! yes you knew that was a ‘but’ moment there.. she wants to relocate the whole regional team in its intirety (63 staff who have lives and families in Dubai) to Egypt to make her life easier! Not to mention cut cost on Dubai’s budget.. Oh, well. Let’s see how that goes. I am hopeful. : )

So many has happened in January, many I will not mention or go over briefly not even in a notion. But it was a month of stress, tough decisions, friendships made and some lost. But most of all, my belief in that tough times are the best teachers, mostly we learn of our own strength, has become an even deeper belief.

January. Glad its over!

Q..

this is a question for both genders.

for the sake of the  most effective birth control possible, would you get ‘clipped’ if you’re a man? or ‘tie your tubes’ if you’re a woman? Also, for the men out there, would you let your wives ‘tie her tubes’ in the future knowing that it is a big deal, a full on surgery with anesthesia and risks while getting clipped is a) reversable, and b) less risky and can be done in minutes?

random Q,  which was somehoe inspired after watching some sitcom a while back. it got me thinking, would the average arab male consider these options to begin with? and will the average arab woman be open for such a drastic measure to the ways of nature? But i guess with the side effects of the pill, and the very low percentage of men who would use ‘protection’ after they get married, one may want to think of other options.

Deception

the psychology of deception is an interesting study, especially that of self-deception..

deception by general defenition is the act of convincing another to believe information that is not true, or not the whole truth. (brought to you by Wiki).  (personally i believe hiding facts is just as horrible and hurtful as lying). Self-deception  is the process or act of misleading ourselves to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid, self-deception in short is the way we justify false beliefs to ourselves!

Psychologists usually focus on unconscious motivations and intentions when discussing self-deception, they also usually consider it as a bad thing, although its sometimes used as a self guarding mechanism one uses to avoid getting hurt/broken/shocked. we do it all the time. yes we do. i might even exaggerate and claim its an instinctive act at times! but dont quote me on it : D

In relationships, self-deception sometimes helps couples see the best in each other, to a certain extent, relationships could not survive without some level of self-deception, but too much optimism or denial, can be just as costly. The trick is to engage in self-deception in order to see the best in a partner without letting self-deception create too much vulnerability.  In relationships, it can create more harm than good when it limits people from seeing important warning signs, or it leads people to overlook serious problems, or it causes people to put the best spin on everything that happens.  & frankly thats why i personally dont believe in traditional marriages. as everyone wears a mask and partners use self deception to make the suiter look better in their eyes in order to make it happen and rid themselves of society’s pressures. (which in my very humble opinion, is no valid reason to get married!).

 is there a point of this post? not really, just some psychobabble.  every day life brings thoughts and the psychologist in me keeps analyzing people non-stop!

change is the only constant

everything else is variable..  i completely agree with that proverb.

everyone changes at some point, i believe it happens at least once every 5 years of ones life, some change occurs in preferences, taste, degree of stubbornness, some qualities mellow out, others become more intense.. even if it was a very small change, it happens, personally, some things i liked 5 years ago don’t quite matter to me now..

so when you realize that your partner/spouse is changing.. in ways you did not see/expect, what do you do? do you immediately run away? do you doubt the foundation of your relationship? does it make you evaluate your current partner’s personality as a separate one from the initial personality you knew him/her with? i guess what I’m trying to ask is: would change eventually lead to an end?

one cant always be certain of everything, however, in relationships, i reckon its more of a leap of faith! you’re not certain of how things will go, but you have almost utmost faith in your better half.. or at least that’s what the idealist in me thinks.. i believe love will conquer all.. yeah yeah i know, wishfull thinking, foolish optimist, etc etc.. but that’s what i believe.. love should be the foundation, the base, the essence. and it should be the reason for eventual acceptance, and a partner’s accomodation to those changes. also, i find talking helps, there should be clear communication between a couple to figure out what is the reason behind any change, especially if that change is dramatic. coz i dont think anyone wakes up to realize something has changed! its a process, and stages, and unless the couple communicates properly, it will go unnoticed until it hits you one day and you find yourself in a rut!

the scary part is not knowing how to take a leap of faith anymore..

3 & 4

4 words a man never wants to hear: “we need to talk”
since usually they’re followed up by 4 words he knows he will hear: “this is not working!”

3 words a woman fears to ask: “what are we”
since she will probably hear the next 3 words: “nothing but friends” (or in some scenarios “friends with benefits”)

and the funny thing is that the 4 letter word that women long for is “love” while the 3 letter word most guys look for is “sex”.. and interesting enough (or at least for me!) in arabic man is a 3 letter word, and woman is a 4 letter word!

bad boy syndrome

as opposed to common belief, good girls DONT always love bad boys, but MOST of them get attracted to one (at the very least) in their lifetime.

why i hear you ask?

i have noticed, after a lot of observation, that the unfortunate truth about women is that they are stupid enough to think they can change men, of course the bigger challenge is changing a bad boy! also, usually we, as humans, innately tend to defy our parents in everything we do, hence, going out with the one boy your mom will always warn you about presents itself as one of the biggest congenital habits, should you be expected to the miss goody-two-shoes by your parents and society. we are born with a passion to be unique, and being predictable is, to some, the worst thing that can happen!

i like to think that the idea of a bad boy (or girl) is exciting because of our curious nature as humans. we love to analyze one another, dissect each other’s personalities and  we love to explore, we thrive for adventure! and what better way to explore than by being in a totally different comfort zone, a bad zone! for a good girl who just wants out, a short lived relationship with the total opposite of her persona DOES sound ideal, but on the long run, i personally think they both will realize that it wont work, and if it would, they both will change and compromise, eventually.

deja vu 9

a tale of two entities..

 

 

independent and on her own.. thought she needs not a partner, all she needed were friends.. silent when times are tough, even when her eyes can scream the words.. they found each other when they both werent looking.. it was an instant connection, love at first sight.. they never believed that would happen, yet, it so intensely did.. she had her fears.. she pushed him away.. didnt want to get too attached, for the uncertainty that lingered over their future was weighing her down.. she didnt want to hurt, but she did when she let him go.. lonely days and loneliner nights.. breathing just to pass time.. waiting for salvation..

time passed by, the days like months and months like years and years like decades.. slower than a rainy gloomy day.. until a fine november night came and their eyes met again.. by chance? or was it the work of fate? they didnt know, and they didnt care.. all they felt was alive again! their heartbeats were so loud they almost choked all words from coming out.. it was like they never were apart.. nothing changed.. except for their age.. they thought they moved on, but in truth, the world turned as they both stayed put.. kept holding on.. their love only grew stronger.. even though unspoken of..

 

they say “if you love someone set them free, if they come back they’re yours to keep”.. im praying its true

 

deja vu 7

Love and hate:

are 2 faces to the same coin. a thin line separates them.. intense emotions of dislike can turn into the most passionate love if given a chance to blossom, and the corniest of love stories can turn into the fiercest war..

 

to forgive is divine they say.. and i truly agree. for so many ppl loved and went separate ways.. yet so very few didnt hold a grudge towards the one who said goodbye.

 

it takes courage to realize that things wont work, and maturity to accept the fact, and wisdom to let it go. and thats what separates men from the boys.

oldies # 5

what do women want?

 the common question we see women demand an answer for (and almost never get one) is “what do men want?“, but i hereby ask: what do women want?!

im an observer, fascinated by mankind, always looking around to seek answers to yet un-asked questions, studying attitudes and -sometimes- analyzing behaviors.. thats wack i know but thats me! lol. and i keep coming across women who always want to change their men to more sensetive, caring, nurturing creatures who pay attention, cook, pamper and listen more often to anything besides the sound of their own voices.. or always complain that they cant ever meet anyone like that! (rings a bell?)

well i hate to be the bearer of bad news but heck, u wont! not coz they’re extinct, but coz they never existed! these qualities are mostly linked to women.. so i ask, why do women want to change men to women? keeping in mind that women dont even get along with most women! so what do women want exactly?

oldies #4

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.. not!

 

i think sorry isnt the hardest word to say these days.. i believe “will u marry me” r the hardest words nowadays!!

has it become so hard for men to propose? i mean ok dowry is on the rise, and inflation is a nightmare etc etc of all the materialistic issues.. but im talking love, wanting to spend ur life with someone, the need for stability, wanting a family, craving someone to take care of u and vice versa.. have men and women become so independant that they have have lost the need or want to be married? has it become so common to be in relationships that go nowhere with a sole purpose of hanging out and having fun and passing time that ppl lost the need to be in wedlock? has responsibility towards a family become so unbearable? i really dont get it.. i c girls who r beautiful, intelligent, worldly, decent, and still single after 35. and i come across men who r the perfect examples of the “perfect” men, yet rnt and dowanna get married, what is so scary?

Q..

no not Qwaider 😛

but a question, for both genders, how far wud u go supporting ur man financially when ur both still starting up ur life?

and how much wud u accept ur wife to help out with?

life grammar 101..

Past Progressive – Use:

1) actions were in progress at special time in the past

example from life: They were playing the field actively in their youth..

2) two actions were happening at the same time (the actions do not influence each other)

example from life: He was having his coffee, while she was lost in thoughts of his dark past..

3) repeated actions irritating the speaker (with always, constantly, forever)

example from life: She was always being reminded of her experience(s)..

and keep in mind that Simple Past tense just doesnt exist in life grammar!

end of lesson 1..

we all think we wanna know, we really dont. coz it will haunt us from time to time.. just let bygones be bygones..

the big M

its all bout marriage these past few days.. on the radio, blogs, and even my friends were talking bout it over the weekend… but sadly, the comments and convos were negative..

“why bother getting married? im satisfied with how my life is!” or “why get married when 80% of marriages are ending with divorce?” or “why get married and waste all my life savings (this from a guy’s prespective)?” or the worst debate ever “why do i wanna limit myself to one person for the rest of my life!?”

Now seriously, why does ANYONE wanna be alone?

i cant wait to start forever with my better half and i cant understand how some people really think they’re better off alone.. its not that they dread marriage, they’re just convinced that they dont need it.. maybe some sort of defence mechanism i donno, but they have become 100% totally convinced that they r in no need to be in a marriage.. and thats so sad..

marriage doesnt have to end with divorce, even if u r hearing/witnessing cases that do end in say 3 4 years and in an ugly divorce, that doesnt mean u will have the same storyline! marriage needs work, just as any relationship.. and call me a fool, but i believe when love exists, all problems r solve-able.. marriages dont have to be ultra expensive either! personally, im one of those ppl who dont believe in weddings.. i like simple receptions, just a small sweet event to celebrate the unity of love and thats it, end of story! all the excess money that goes into making a ‘magical‘ wedding for everyone to talk bout (good or bad ppl will talk and critisize) can go into making a fantastic honeymoon for us!

in retrospect.. when i was 16 (first year uni) i was sure i wanned to stay single forever! i dint find the need to love or be loved so important, i had no trust in mankind and in the existance of good men and i cudnt imagine myself in a marriage and/or having kids etc etc.. but when u fall in real love, u find out that thats exactly what u wanna do..