Archive for the ‘inside out’ Category

You know what, Hollywood has been playing with our heads for so long, most of us are delusional with the idea of the ‘perfect love story’, ‘true love’, ‘soulmates’.. I admit i was delusional too..

Love isnt seamless and easy and sweet all the time, movies dont show what happens next after the big proposal, or the big gestures, or the loving kisses and cuddles. the ‘happy ever afters’ dont quite exist. Instead, cheating, deceiving, lying, and heartache happen in the long run/ in the real world. People meet and part. I have realized – the hard way – that everything in life is temporary. everything. money, health, happiness, sorrow, love, friendship. everything. 

it seems some people love the easy way out. most people wont fight for love. wont stand up for what they believe is right. wont put effort to make relationships work. one of my close male friends once told me that if a guy wants something/someone, there is nothing/noone that will stop him. then why is it that all i see around me are guys who have been either too lazy or too proud to go after the woman that they love. Just because something is hard/needs work doesnt mean that you give up at the first obstacle and convince yourself it wasnt meant to be.

Man is a lazy creature.

Man is garfield.  

The main reason why women don’t like mama’s boys is because competing with the woman who gave birth to him just isn’t an option. For me, it is primarily because I do not see any ‘alpha male’ quality anymore. And I need to respect my man, knowing he can stand up for himself and for me when and if needed.

Knowing that he cares about his parents and is sensitive towards his mother is nice, it adds a soft side to a man’s character and image. However, being a hand puppet for his mommy, is not only a turn off, but it is a sure way to ruin his and his partner’s lives.

enough said.

(WARNING: vulnerable post ahead!)

I had the week from hell last week. It stirred up a lot of emotions, and I am not a melodramatic person, nor an uber emotional one. I am very compassionate however.

and that is a downside. as I feel what people feel, and I get sad when they do, happy when they are, but worse of all, I feel horrible when I find myself useless in my many trials to help those I care about. It’s not about the failure. It mainly is about me wanting to see them happy, and being unable to control that. I know I cant have everyone around me happy, as it is not in my hands, but I so wish it were…

but disappointment never stopped me before, and it sure as hell won’t stop me now… I will keep trying.

 

I however am saddened when I feel I am not as good a friend as I thought I were. I am sometimes impulsive, sometimes dont think things through, and mostly I speak before thinking when I am around people I love. I think I need to re-evaluate and assess myself a little these coming days… and I know I will be hard on myself, thats just me!  and I can’t bear the thought of not being there as I want for my friends.

Call me an idiot, but it makes me feel less adequate to know someone else is better at this than me with certain people I hold dear to my heart…

This January was one big wedgie!

I swear my life is one crazy rollercoaster and a series of dramatic events that I do not know how and why I keep coming across. But no complaints, I guess no one can do my life but me. and I believe that God knows my capacity, and wont give me more than I can handle.

My best friend who only got married a little more than a year back, and now is a proud mother of a 2 month old beautiful girl, is getting a divorce. That has been very emotionally draining for her and even me, I love her to bits and I cant believe what a scum bag her husband is. He simply ruined her life, taking her out of her well paying, decent and very  comfortable job, out of her loving family’s house, to take her to another country where she found out half way through her pregnancy that he is already married (3urfi) to someone 9 years older than him, and has a baby girl from her as well!  Urgh. I feel so frustrated for her. Seriously, she must be the most innocent person I ever met. I think its because she is so innocent, she couldnt see the signs of deceipt. Or he was too good of an actor… I am just happy that she is strong about it, she will stand up for herself and walk away, while most women in our part of the world will stay in a crappy marriage fearing the label of a ‘divorced woman’ and fearing the financial burdens, or just fearing loneliness..

Back to me, my new boss is a lovely woman, amazing at what she does, very knowledgeable and hands on with her job and that is refreshing in comparison with my previous boss.. however! yes you knew that was a ‘but’ moment there.. she wants to relocate the whole regional team in its intirety (63 staff who have lives and families in Dubai) to Egypt to make her life easier! Not to mention cut cost on Dubai’s budget.. Oh, well. Let’s see how that goes. I am hopeful. : )

So many has happened in January, many I will not mention or go over briefly not even in a notion. But it was a month of stress, tough decisions, friendships made and some lost. But most of all, my belief in that tough times are the best teachers, mostly we learn of our own strength, has become an even deeper belief.

January. Glad its over!

on expectations and such..

Posted: September 20, 2009 in feelings, inside out, sad me

sadness_by_Bloodm8

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy – the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
– Eric Hoffer

Sometimes, unintentionally, i give some people the benefit of the doubt, or too much credit, or just like them enough to expect the best out of them. Normally, i dont have much expectations, to avoid disappointment. But sometimes, it happens. w ghaltet il sha6er bi alf. (loosely translated into: a wise man’s err is equal to a thousand mistakes)

Disappointment is a hard emotion to process, its something that will always feel bad. Like with a first love, it will always be intense, the ones that come after that, less intense. but with disappointment, it will always hurt the same. I think what hurts more is the affirmation that our judgement is impaired and flawed.

The ways i found effective in getting over it, is disenchantment, and detachment.

he was supposed to turn 60 in June. God had other plans.

mom texted sis and i saying he’s tired, and that we should come down and see him.. hopefully when he sees us he will feel better. we did not even set foot in the plane when we got the call that he had passed. i havent seen dad in 3 years, and sis hasnt seen him since start of 2008. the flight was a blur really.. once we got there my cousin picked us up, took us to the hospital where dad passed.. we had to say goodbye to one of the most amazing people and one of the greatest fathers who ever lived in the morgue.. mkaffan. ice cold. yet smiling. he passed away smiling. i still cant believe i have to say allah yer7amo every time i mention my dad.. he did not get to see me in white, never will see my children.. but im sure he will be watching over us all. he always was our guardian. our protector.

please send out a prayer when you read this. Allah yer7amak w ye7sen eleik ya rab.

* its funny (not funny ha ha) how some people like to ruin things for others when its ruined for them! why dont people just leave others alone?! especially the happier ones.. karma is not be taken lightly people!

* i read this sentence somewhere and ever since i did, its been stuck in the back of my head, resurfacing every once in a while to fuel my insomnia again: “if u have no passion for what u do, u’ll never be really happy“..

i have certainly reached that stage. depressingly so.

i’ve prolly been feeling it for a while but denying it coz we as humans do that sometimes, its taking the easy way out basically.. it takes so much risk and effort and energy and even courage to change your life and career dramatically. will you make it? will you not? addeh 3alam 7ayeshmato feek if you dint! not to mention the monetary burden of not being in the same lifestyle level you’re used to (not to mention the people you support financially – i.e. parents or kids)

i feel like i have reached that midlife crisis stage, but im not a man, and im not middle aged, and my crisis doesnt involve cheating or buying a cherry red car! i just think the time is right now. not next year or the one after. now.

bla bla bloo

Posted: December 7, 2008 in bla bla bla, inside out, random, rant, sad me

* what is it bout national day that makes ppl ‘snap’ in this country! the traffic and accidents and ta5mees and burning wheels and face paint and all that crap! its ittihad, not ta7reer!

* as Eid drops by every year, i find myself more detached of every jolly emotion it should bring.. im more convnced that Eid and all other celebrated occasions, are mostly great forkids.. adults lose something as they get older that doesnt make em enjoy these celebrations.. but the wierdest thing is, i love christmas! of course  for the decorations and colors and all that, not for the religious reason behind it.  oh and Kel 3am w ento b5eir.

* why is it that men hate questions so much!? normal questions and innocent inquiries make a man blow up! inno r their brains designed differently!? like to identify any form of query as nagging! eft! i have no idea how we came from that creature’s rib!

* im sick of everything and need a MAJOR change. suggestions!?

crash and burn..

Posted: November 23, 2008 in bla bla bla, feelings, inside out, life, random, thoughts

hope

sometimes.. you plan something unintentionally.. its not like you plan it on paper and figure out all its details, just something you want to happen.. sometime in the future in a way or another.. you’re just taking it a day at a time.. all signs are positive.. everything seems to be heading that way.. then something happened.. life happened. and life is a hoe.

so what is one to do when one’s plans come crashing down? one cant give up! coz i believe that winners never quit, and quitters never win. but how do you go on with your life when something that has taken a huge part of your time, effort, emotions, money and years, just doesnt seem to be coming together into reality anymore!?

im a strong person, who has a lot of faith in myself and in God and in fate and karma, and all things spiritual, i believe that some factors of life are out of our control, and the remaining most, is usually in our hands. i’ve never lacked patience… yet i find myself hopeless now. and i hate that feeling!

looking at my last post, i think im coming across as a whiner!! but for those who know me in person, and they are very few.. you know im not. i just have more on my plate than ever before.. apologies to the readers (if any)! lol

122/185

Posted: November 5, 2008 in damdoumization, feelings, inside out

i_miss

my best friend of 5 years will be getting married in Jan, and moving away to her soon-to-be husband’s country of origin, as he is happy and she also loves it there, in addition to that, he has a great job where he will be providing very well for her and their future family.

we call each other everyday in the mornings, or sms to check up on one another, we used to work together for a year then i left but we still kept that ritual of early morning smss and calls, every alternating weekend of outings and catching up, and every problem shared and discussed as if we’re sisters.. and somehow, we grew to become just that.

as hard as it is for me to say goodbye, i cant be selfish and ask her to stay. its so difficult finding friends when you’re not a kid, and in such a cruel city with no genuine social contacts, it will be hard going forward.. oh well, i guess life is really a series of meetings and partings..

 

a tale of two entities..

 

 

independent and on her own.. thought she needs not a partner, all she needed were friends.. silent when times are tough, even when her eyes can scream the words.. they found each other when they both werent looking.. it was an instant connection, love at first sight.. they never believed that would happen, yet, it so intensely did.. she had her fears.. she pushed him away.. didnt want to get too attached, for the uncertainty that lingered over their future was weighing her down.. she didnt want to hurt, but she did when she let him go.. lonely days and loneliner nights.. breathing just to pass time.. waiting for salvation..


time passed by, the days like months and months like years and years like decades.. slower than a rainy gloomy day.. until a fine november night came and their eyes met again.. by chance? or was it the work of fate? they didnt know, and they didnt care.. all they felt was alive again! their heartbeats were so loud they almost choked all words from coming out.. it was like they never were apart.. nothing changed.. except for their age.. they thought they moved on, but in truth, the world turned as they both stayed put.. kept holding on.. their love only grew stronger.. even though unspoken of..

 

they say “if you love someone set them free, if they come back they’re yours to keep”.. im praying its true

 

why do people hope? why do we hold on to hope like naive innocent children when we know there is a (big) chance of disappointment? what is it about the thought of a better tomorrow or the thought of things working out like you’ve painted them in your head that keeps us going in life? or is it just a ray of light to hold onto through the darkest hours? could it be that hope is corelated to faith? our faith in God lets us know we will be ok, and keeps us sane, and keeps us from ending our lives.. so is hope a form of faith?

i sometimes think i shouldnt hope anymore, for anything! i had a lot of disappointments and was mad at my Creator many times (may He forgive me)… however, i still find myself hoping and wishing..

8/185

Posted: July 13, 2008 in feelings, inside out, sad me

1. Thank you both for bringing him to this world, so i can meet him 19 years later.. and hold on to him forever..
2. Thank You Almighty for always watching over me, i would have never made it without Your Providence..
3. Thank you love, for being who you are, and for always being there, and for the tremendous joy you bring to my life everyday.. i can’t thank you enough, but i promise to love you forever..
4. Thank you hard times for shaping what i am today.. without all the ordeals i would have never known how strong i truly am inside.
5. Thank you both for being the best parents you can be, for raising me right and giving me all the basics i need to move on in my life and make it on my own.
6. Thank you RH for being the best friend i can ever ask for.. bless u girl!
7. Thank you RN for teaching me professionalism and promptness, and what it takes to be a great boss who is respected, and loved.
8. Im thankful for all my 7 senses, may they sustain me a lifetime..
9. Thank God for spring and summer!

untitled

Posted: June 19, 2008 in damdoumization, feelings, inside out, sad me, thoughts

Untitled

Leave me at the end of the world
where all my screaming will be unheard
there I can find myself alone..
In darkness where i feel safe and sound
Solitude is the best friend you can get
No hurt, no pain and no regret
Leave me in a place to clear my head
I feel so raged yet so brain dead..  

|HadeS|

regret

Posted: April 29, 2008 in feelings, inside out, sad me, tenzeker ma ten3ad

is something i dont usually feel, since i am convinced that everything happens for a reason and usually all the mistakes and misjudgements that we do in our lives have a lesson to be learnt, and that they happened at a time when we werent in the best mental or emotional state and somehow that makes it ok.. also im a firm believer that if one keeps looking back, one wont move forward..

however, the past few days, and for the first time in my 27 years of living, i feel remorse over an act i have done 3 years ago (exactly 3 years and 4 days ago)… i had a lousy medical procedure which i thought might make things right but failed drasticly, not to mention now i am facing some bad complications that might affect my body forever. in addition to that, there is the monetary cost i will have to pay to rectify what went wrong, and that wasnt at all planned for.. i havent slept since friday, except for 2 hours last night, just thinking of options and solutions and how and when, im waiting to run some tests to assess the amount of damage that happened, and this anticipation and the wait is the hardest…

i just wish i did my homework more thoroughly.. i guess there’s no use in wishing now, except wishing that God will be merciful as He always is..

Untitled..

Posted: April 28, 2008 in damdoumization, inside out, no comment, sad me

 

 

All they do is expect
and never once stop to think
constantly commanding respect
when all they want is to see me sink
In river Styx and they seem to neglect
that i want to live in my life and be who i am
that there is a different path i vigorously seek
its not up to them to decide and plan
to bring me down and demand that i be weak
to please their ego and make them feel right
convincing themselves they are strong and in control
yet they are only nurturing my hatred and will to fight
awakening the beast inside as all kindness escaped
from my heart and mind, leaving me with no sense of wrong or right
as I feel my dreams have all been viciously raped
I dream of a place where I can see the light..

|HadeS|

 

 

 

O, how i loathe goodbyes.. not all of them though.. just when the closest people leave anywhere for a long time..

i remember when i first went to uni, i was 16 and full of life, still am, but i was full of life and very naive, now i like to think i’ve crossed that stage.. i dint even shed half a tear at the airport saying bye to my parents.. i was so excited to start the adventure of independence! but when i graduated uni, and after 4 years of almost every emotion on earth felt, and the hundreds of friends i made, i left to the airport alone, in a cab, without saying goodbye to anyone.

A silent exit. (drama queen didi)

i felt so helpless yesterday saying goodbye to my better half as he went for a ten day trip home before he leaves to europe for his Phd, and even though its not the first time i bid him farewell, it was more painful the second time around, and i am sure it will be more painful every time to come.. until he is done with his degree or we get married and i move, whichever comes first.. i never drove him to the airport btw.. even when my best friend/more like a sister to me came 2 years ago for a week, i dint take her to the airport, i just cant.

insane? maybe.. but i just cant say goodbye to anyone i love at the airport..i break down like a 6 year old and cry my eyes out… im sentimental like that.  

 

incomplete..

Untitled…

Posted: February 25, 2008 in damdoumization, feelings, inside out, thoughts

An image made of light
I see clouds not so white
a mixture of yellow, blue and grey
some rays battle and go astray
i sit with my hands holding my head
i cant bear the sounds of silence, oh so dead..
an aching heart, a dormant mind
an endless fight that’s not so kind
both bearing daggers and knives
a fight ending in death of beleifs and lives
they lie there looking so waif and dead
and even in Death, they again were wed…
HadeS

mumbo not so jumbo

Posted: February 24, 2008 in feelings, inside out, random, rant, sad me

im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

i have 1) a splitting headache, 2) an enormous urge to kill my boss, 3) an itch in my throat and signs of the flu 😮 (that wud be the gazillionth in 6 months!)

i dowanna cook anymore, or do the laundry, or think of work, or even have to work! i just wanna live in peace.. do nothing, just lay there, no movement, or sound, or light.. everything is made and everything in place. i just wanna become a parasite! try to be a mooch for a change.. been holding responsibilities since i was 21.. 6 long years.. all alone. im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

salty water..

Posted: January 29, 2008 in feelings, inside out

Tears are words from the heart that cannot be spoken.

-Anonymous

Qwaider’s post about crying and all the comments on how crying is so liberating and such a big relief made me feel a bit alienated.. i donno how but it felt wierd not to be able to relate..

i havent cried in, oh, 6 months.. and before that, 3 years… i dont get the urge to cry anymore, altho sometimes i feel i SO need it to relax my weery little head.. but having been a person who cried so much in her younger years, i find it now a waste of my time.. it wont solve anything now wud it? it will only cause a headache and a stuffy nose..

then why the hell do i miss it!

last nite i had a full 5 hour sleep.. finally! its been a while..

funny (not funny ha ha) thing is that in all them sleepless nites, most my thoughts revolve around 2 major things that i somehow supress during my waking hours only to come back and haunt me at nite.. God/religion and how we have drifted from em so much as a community/society and how personally im away lately.. and the future.. all my life i thought i will die young.. donno why but its just my belief/gut feeling.. not to mention any palm reader i came across (with or without the intention of coming across em) freaks out at how short my life line is.. prolly why i dont plan much.. i take every day as it comes, and usually have no regrets.. except for one .. (but thats not bloggable material! too personal to share)..

i fear aging. not coz im a woman and the majority of women fear aging and looking not quite like they used to… but i fear losing this youth inside me. i fear menopause believe it or not! i fear having children and not being able to affect them in any way.. i fear a failed marriage.. i fear becoming one of those middle aged house wives with not much to look forward to but an end to her depression… i even fear not having a source of income and living on the streets! know its all in my head and my destiny is mine to shape, i do believe in fate dont get me wrong, but i think some things r ours to control.. sometimes i think i wanna know what tomorrow holds, but i believe that wud take out all the fun from living!

(mental note: resort to sheep counting often, it worked last nite!)

moody friends..

Posted: January 21, 2008 in inside out, me me me, observations, rant, women
inspired by Asoom’s experience here with an ex-friend.. i SO relate to that, and i dint wanna hijack her post 😀

i rarely have female friends, simply coz i was not programmed to be like most of them, in my mind, im 100% male. im practical, i dont envy other ppl, i hold no grudges, i dont care bout makeup and clothes like they r the reason for my existance, and i dont ditch ppl coz im having a bad mood! u can call me a tomboy, but ppl who know me personally know i am so far from that.. il muhemm… so i met this girl, and we have mutual friends, some who say she is very nice, but i was always very aware of everything i say around her, and was very careful what i reveal, the case with most ppl but i was consciously aware and pushed myself to watch out for every word with her..
days went by and i gave her a chance, and we became close friends in no time, she was funny, outgoing, and talkative. But she was moody, like, VERY moody! one day she wud be all talkative and sweet, and the next she wudnt return my calls and want nothing to do with me :smily mafsoom with 7 personalities: and after a while i got sick of it! and when she dint call again, i dint either, and was actually nonchalant and happy she was out of my life, with all her negativities that overrid her positive side with time.
neither i nor anyone deserves to be treated like that, the flavor-of-the-week style! whenever their mood is good they r good with u and when its not then to hell with u! that is not the definition of friendship..
i guess thats why i feel more at ease with guys, they’re so.. simple! what u see is what u get.. almost EVERY time! plus a guy wont envy u, or get these silly thoughts and cause drama every once in a while.. they r always up for a gr8 time and a good laff.. girly girls wont go out unless u ‘book’ them in advance so that they wud look good for the outing! with most guys, its “shall we?”, “hell yeah!” and i find that refreshing!
WARNING: these thoughts might offend some of u…
regretfully, i am not vieled.. and even tho i know its very wrong, i still cant commit.. yet, everyday i come across tens if not hundreds of ‘vieled’ girls/women, and by ‘vieled’ i am referring to the ‘modern’ 7ijabis who wear second-skin-tees-under-a-tight-camisole-barely-covering-their-bums-in-that-tight-jeans or short-skirts-with-knee-high-boots and consider themselves fully covered..and i cant deny the amount of wrath the scene provokes in me.. i am not preaching, since i am not vieled, but there is a minimum level of 7eshmeh (modesty) that is embedded in everyone, and wearing clothes that leave nothing to imagination is just not right, vieled or not.

it just saddens me so much what little respect some have towards their body and its sanctity..