illusions

You know what, Hollywood has been playing with our heads for so long, most of us are delusional with the idea of the ‘perfect love story’, ‘true love’, ‘soulmates’.. I admit i was delusional too..

Love isnt seamless and easy and sweet all the time, movies dont show what happens next after the big proposal, or the big gestures, or the loving kisses and cuddles. the ‘happy ever afters’ dont quite exist. Instead, cheating, deceiving, lying, and heartache happen in the long run/ in the real world. People meet and part. I have realized – the hard way – that everything in life is temporary. everything. money, health, happiness, sorrow, love, friendship. everything. 

it seems some people love the easy way out. most people wont fight for love. wont stand up for what they believe is right. wont put effort to make relationships work. one of my close male friends once told me that if a guy wants something/someone, there is nothing/noone that will stop him. then why is it that all i see around me are guys who have been either too lazy or too proud to go after the woman that they love. Just because something is hard/needs work doesnt mean that you give up at the first obstacle and convince yourself it wasnt meant to be.

Man is a lazy creature.

Man is garfield.  

How I Hate Your Mother

The main reason why women don’t like mama’s boys is because competing with the woman who gave birth to him just isn’t an option. For me, it is primarily because I do not see any ‘alpha male’ quality anymore. And I need to respect my man, knowing he can stand up for himself and for me when and if needed.

Knowing that he cares about his parents and is sensitive towards his mother is nice, it adds a soft side to a man’s character and image. However, being a hand puppet for his mommy, is not only a turn off, but it is a sure way to ruin his and his partner’s lives.

enough said.

inside out

(WARNING: vulnerable post ahead!)

I had the week from hell last week. It stirred up a lot of emotions, and I am not a melodramatic person, nor an uber emotional one. I am very compassionate however.

and that is a downside. as I feel what people feel, and I get sad when they do, happy when they are, but worse of all, I feel horrible when I find myself useless in my many trials to help those I care about. It’s not about the failure. It mainly is about me wanting to see them happy, and being unable to control that. I know I cant have everyone around me happy, as it is not in my hands, but I so wish it were…

but disappointment never stopped me before, and it sure as hell won’t stop me now… I will keep trying.

 

I however am saddened when I feel I am not as good a friend as I thought I were. I am sometimes impulsive, sometimes dont think things through, and mostly I speak before thinking when I am around people I love. I think I need to re-evaluate and assess myself a little these coming days… and I know I will be hard on myself, thats just me!  and I can’t bear the thought of not being there as I want for my friends.

Call me an idiot, but it makes me feel less adequate to know someone else is better at this than me with certain people I hold dear to my heart…

on expectations and such..

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy – the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.
– Eric Hoffer

Sometimes, unintentionally, i give some people the benefit of the doubt, or too much credit, or just like them enough to expect the best out of them. Normally, i dont have much expectations, to avoid disappointment. But sometimes, it happens. w ghaltet il sha6er bi alf. (loosely translated into: a wise man’s err is equal to a thousand mistakes)

Disappointment is a hard emotion to process, its something that will always feel bad. Like with a first love, it will always be intense, the ones that come after that, less intense. but with disappointment, it will always hurt the same. I think what hurts more is the affirmation that our judgement is impaired and flawed.

The ways i found effective in getting over it, is disenchantment, and detachment.

20 April.. what a black monday

he was supposed to turn 60 in June. God had other plans.

mom texted sis and i saying he’s tired, and that we should come down and see him.. hopefully when he sees us he will feel better. we did not even set foot in the plane when we got the call that he had passed. i havent seen dad in 3 years, and sis hasnt seen him since start of 2008. the flight was a blur really.. once we got there my cousin picked us up, took us to the hospital where dad passed.. we had to say goodbye to one of the most amazing people and one of the greatest fathers who ever lived in the morgue.. mkaffan. ice cold. yet smiling. he passed away smiling. i still cant believe i have to say allah yer7amo every time i mention my dad.. he did not get to see me in white, never will see my children.. but im sure he will be watching over us all. he always was our guardian. our protector.

please send out a prayer when you read this. Allah yer7amak w ye7sen eleik ya rab.

bla bla bloo

* what is it bout national day that makes ppl ‘snap’ in this country! the traffic and accidents and ta5mees and burning wheels and face paint and all that crap! its ittihad, not ta7reer!

* as Eid drops by every year, i find myself more detached of every jolly emotion it should bring.. im more convnced that Eid and all other celebrated occasions, are mostly great forkids.. adults lose something as they get older that doesnt make em enjoy these celebrations.. but the wierdest thing is, i love christmas! of course  for the decorations and colors and all that, not for the religious reason behind it.  oh and Kel 3am w ento b5eir.

* why is it that men hate questions so much!? normal questions and innocent inquiries make a man blow up! inno r their brains designed differently!? like to identify any form of query as nagging! eft! i have no idea how we came from that creature’s rib!

* im sick of everything and need a MAJOR change. suggestions!?

8/185

untitled

Untitled

Leave me at the end of the world
where all my screaming will be unheard
there I can find myself alone..
In darkness where i feel safe and sound
Solitude is the best friend you can get
No hurt, no pain and no regret
Leave me in a place to clear my head
I feel so raged yet so brain dead..  

|HadeS|

regret

is something i dont usually feel, since i am convinced that everything happens for a reason and usually all the mistakes and misjudgements that we do in our lives have a lesson to be learnt, and that they happened at a time when we werent in the best mental or emotional state and somehow that makes it ok.. also im a firm believer that if one keeps looking back, one wont move forward..

however, the past few days, and for the first time in my 27 years of living, i feel remorse over an act i have done 3 years ago (exactly 3 years and 4 days ago)… i had a lousy medical procedure which i thought might make things right but failed drasticly, not to mention now i am facing some bad complications that might affect my body forever. in addition to that, there is the monetary cost i will have to pay to rectify what went wrong, and that wasnt at all planned for.. i havent slept since friday, except for 2 hours last night, just thinking of options and solutions and how and when, im waiting to run some tests to assess the amount of damage that happened, and this anticipation and the wait is the hardest…

i just wish i did my homework more thoroughly.. i guess there’s no use in wishing now, except wishing that God will be merciful as He always is..

Untitled..

 

 

All they do is expect
and never once stop to think
constantly commanding respect
when all they want is to see me sink
In river Styx and they seem to neglect
that i want to live in my life and be who i am
that there is a different path i vigorously seek
its not up to them to decide and plan
to bring me down and demand that i be weak
to please their ego and make them feel right
convincing themselves they are strong and in control
yet they are only nurturing my hatred and will to fight
awakening the beast inside as all kindness escaped
from my heart and mind, leaving me with no sense of wrong or right
as I feel my dreams have all been viciously raped
I dream of a place where I can see the light..

|HadeS|

 

 

 

where’s the good in goodbye..

O, how i loathe goodbyes.. not all of them though.. just when the closest people leave anywhere for a long time..

i remember when i first went to uni, i was 16 and full of life, still am, but i was full of life and very naive, now i like to think i’ve crossed that stage.. i dint even shed half a tear at the airport saying bye to my parents.. i was so excited to start the adventure of independence! but when i graduated uni, and after 4 years of almost every emotion on earth felt, and the hundreds of friends i made, i left to the airport alone, in a cab, without saying goodbye to anyone.

A silent exit. (drama queen didi)

i felt so helpless yesterday saying goodbye to my better half as he went for a ten day trip home before he leaves to europe for his Phd, and even though its not the first time i bid him farewell, it was more painful the second time around, and i am sure it will be more painful every time to come.. until he is done with his degree or we get married and i move, whichever comes first.. i never drove him to the airport btw.. even when my best friend/more like a sister to me came 2 years ago for a week, i dint take her to the airport, i just cant.

insane? maybe.. but i just cant say goodbye to anyone i love at the airport..i break down like a 6 year old and cry my eyes out… im sentimental like that.  

 

the not so ‘in’ feeling..

incomplete..

mumbo not so jumbo

im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

i have 1) a splitting headache, 2) an enormous urge to kill my boss, 3) an itch in my throat and signs of the flu 😮 (that wud be the gazillionth in 6 months!)

i dowanna cook anymore, or do the laundry, or think of work, or even have to work! i just wanna live in peace.. do nothing, just lay there, no movement, or sound, or light.. everything is made and everything in place. i just wanna become a parasite! try to be a mooch for a change.. been holding responsibilities since i was 21.. 6 long years.. all alone. im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

on work and passion for what u do

or lack thereof!

isnt it the most demotivating feeling when u have to drag urself out of bed to head to an office where u dont feel ur doing anything u like with anyone u like?? is passion for work or working in a line of business ur crazy about just an illusion?! no im sure artists and musicians and actors are living that dream! but what bout the rest of us?

i remember my first job, i loved it! i used to run and skip to the office lol i had 2 terrible colleagues, was working for a sorry excuse of a bank, working with difficult clients AND getting peanuts for pay, but i just loved it! it was fun, busy, fulfilling, and client oriented… i feel i lost that feeling. ever since i left that place (3 years ago) both jobs i took after that were purely for the financial gain.. i feel nothing towards what i do for a living.. if anything, i feel machine-like.. what bothers me most, and saddens me too, is that i truly donno what is it i wanna do.. i have 2 degrees yet they dont come handy! i cant work by my psychology degree in this country unless i have a masters degree from the states/europe, and then have 2 years of experience.. and im currently working by my Commerce degree, but im finding equities a bit too dull for me.. i wish i studied medicine.. and became a surgeon like my childhood dream was.. i need ppl! i need interaction! i need to feel like i am helping someone out! ORRRR go purely by my passion and work in a more artistic line of business.. still that doesnt pay well! arghhh! why does it have to be one way or the other? fulfillment or financial stability? why cant we have it all!!!!

sigh..