on marriage and men

Posted: September 20, 2010 in bla bla bla, damdoumization, men, observations, psychobabble, relationships, theories, thoughts

this post has been brewing in my mind for a while. so has the subject.

im an observant more than anything in life. well that, and an ‘inane chatter’ as a friend once put it. and you know what? I am not a fan of generalizing and stereotyping but I gotta say this whole heartedly after a lot of thought and observation..: all men are the same. whatever nationality/ culture/ background/ upbringing/ race/ colour/ religion, they’re all copy paste of one another. and that is NOT i repeat NOT a pretty picture to have so many copies of.

I was having a rather interesting conversation (well I am still unsure how the conversation turned in that direction, but I believe it had something to do with the number of beautiful women passing by) with a man I hold so much respect for, admire professionally, and consider a good company as we are somewhat on the same wavelength with many subjects (except today I was disappointed.. it saddens me to admit that..). the guy is a stunning man, him being handsome is a unanimous feedback amongst the girls (married or single!) that have met him -whatever their ‘type’ may be – he is also quite rich, young, bubbly, very popular, and yes, married. The dream man of all my friends, is in fact taken. Married to a wonderful woman who he had pursued for many years to agree to leave her family and marry him and move to another country, however, he loves her dearly and she knew that he would be the great husband (and father) that he is. So today I was in shock when he turned around to me after eyeing every girl who was in the vicinity and said: “Dima, how wrong is it if I cheat? I am a man, like everyone else, and every other man I know has at least 3 girls on the side”! Of course Dima was very shocked to say the least. This coming from a decent man that I respect and look up to, was the final straw. I have lost all faith in men. They’re all identical, different packaging, but nonetheless, identical.

Which brings me to my growing belief that marriage is way too over-rated.. We don’t need it!  Love is not designed to last from what I have seen so far, and Dubai is a multicultural place so these couples I have observed are of all ethnic backgrounds and beliefs. Kids are a burden in this recession infested day and age. companionship also can be bought! and for those who have no problem with physical ‘interaction’, marriage provides nothing new, and for those who are celibate, marriage is a mirage where one of you (mostly the male) will end up wanting more than just that ‘one’ person to experience more physical intimacy with, as let’s face it, humans are greedy creatures, and most will fall for that voice in their head that begs to invade new ‘territories’ since they missed out on that in their youth/single life. Why is sexual advancement experimenting through multiple partners so important? Does it make you a better man if you had more partners than your peers? Does loyalty mean nothing to anyone anymore? What about contentment?? I keep hearing that most cheaters love their kids, and most even love their wives. Would never leave them for one of their ‘mistresses’ but just feel that they HAVE to have someone on the side, maybe because society anticipates them to? or their gender is expected to??

You do NOT need to do something just because you can, or because i’ts offered and easily accessable, most cheaters get a thrill when they get away with it… they think they have become invincible. What about Karma?? Does no one fear Karma or Divine Punishment anymore?

I am in no way saying women are all angels. So no assumptions please. But the percentage of women cheaters in comparison to men, is less. It’s growing for sure, but i believe their reasons are different. I’ll leave that for another post.

  1. on marriage and men…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

  2. Ahsan says:

    Erm, what is this guy’s zodiac sign? 😛 😛

  3. Anonymous says:

    You know something.. I believe that men suffer before marriage but women suffer after marriage…

  4. Andrei says:

    Shofy, I do agree -although I’m a man- that all me are pigs, more or less, and on different levels of pig-ness let’s say.
    However, what you’ve said above is still a generalization, a big fat one! Most probably for the example you mentioned, seeing it coming even from the man you thought led a perfect life.

    Yes, sex does occupy a big portion of our brains (only leaving some space for sports and the TV remote control) but that doesn’t mean that all men are willing to cheat, whether physically or emotionally, if the get a chance to do so.

    • Verbal Alchemy says:

      I wouldnt say all men are pigs, now THAT would be a generalization :p

      See Ads I tried a lot not to come up with this conclusion as I would ultimately be unfair to every man I ever met in my short lived life, and I do not wish to do that, but sometimes the people you put on a pedestal and held them high in your mind coz of their famous decency and marketed happy life disappoint you and thats when all things change. This is not bad judgement, this is just a realization I guess.

      the last part you said is logic, mafroud inno common sense. but it means nothing to most men I observe. and you cant believe how many guys at work ONLY are well known cheaters. in fact, most dont even think of hiding it. ishi bi5zi.

  5. […] on marriage and men « Pandima's Box […]

  6. Marvin says:

    I like your new layout. And I’m glad you write.

    I agree, men are more likely to cheat. I think it is frowned upon more in North America than in older parts of the world. It doesn’t stop it from happening, of course. I think men think with their “little head” a lot more than they think with their “big head.” And it causes many problems for both men and women. On the one hand, humans are not engineered to be monogamous. I was reading a study that correlated male genital size with female promiscuity. Smaller male testicles = higher female fidelity, meaning that the male does not need to produce as much sperm to ensure that the offspring is his. Larger male testicles = higher female promiscuity, meaning that each male needs to produce a lot of sperm to compete with the other males’ sperm entering the female. Interesting. But I agree, humans are not monogamous, so “marriage” is an artificial construct. Nevertheless, offspring become better adults when they are raised in a stable home with a mother and a father, so the artificial construct of marriage DOES serve a purpose.

    And, I think, just because humans tend toward promiscuity does not mean that they MUST be promiscuous. Humans are thinking animals, and their brains, not their genitals, should govern their behavior. As a male, I can appreciate the beauty of a woman who is not my wife, but it does not mean I need to have sex with her. Primarily because sex with another woman is pretty much the same as sex with my wife, and my wife suits me fine, or I would not have married her. Also, sex with another woman can expose me to disease, which then could be passed to my wife, and that would be absolutely unforgivable and inexcusable. So, protection of one’s wife and her health should be a powerful motivating factor to encourage a man to remain faithful. The most powerful motivator, however, should be ensuring trust. If a man wants his wife to trust him, he must be faithful. If a wife wants her husband to trust her, she must be faithful. Mutual trust helps ensure that a mated pair stays together. Without trust, it falls apart.

    I’m sorry your friend disappointed you. But I think that if you dig deep enough, you will find something deeply disappointing in almost every friend. To maintain the illusion of a wonderful friend, the trick is not to dig too deep.

    • Verbal Alchemy says:

      interesting study, could have some truth behind it I think.. and not all kids raised in a stable home with both parents come out better, sometimes one happy parent is better than two miserable ones. Anyway thats besides the point 😀

      I donno what more can I add to your very good points. I do not usually over analyze my friends, or else I will no longer be able to be friends with them, we are all flawed, some more than others, but friends are ones who accept and not judge. Having said that, seems I wasnt friends with this guy in the first place, I just admired him and thought high of him. As I cant really digest that talk or look at him the same if he actually acts on his thoughts..

      and its frowned upon everywhere Marv, it hurts partners, and it breaks hearts and homes..

  7. Pru says:

    Hi Dima…I lost you in this huge cyber space…I even thought you quit…but I found you again…I’m glad.
    I can see that you have a very distorted image of men portrayed no doubt by the bad examples which surround you, but to conclude that all men are identical and basically bad is rash and not true. Lol I’m reading Oscar Wilde at present and you do not want to hear his views on marriage and women; they’ll certainly push you over the edge and make you decide against marriage once and for all…but marriage was established for a reason and it still fulfils this reason like no other establishment and so it continues to live on and people continue to commit it!
    I’ll talk some more about marriage later perhaps…but for now I will only tell you that you should not loose faith in all men because of a few, or even many, bad examples. There are men who honor their commitments and value their principles far too much to surrender to any cheap and passing temptation. And nshalla you’ll have one of those 😉

    • Hey girl, glad u dint give up on the search 🙂
      well i guess we know why Oscar Wilde was gay then! He lost hope in the marriage system, and he dint even live in our day and age. I am no longer shocked Pru by anything I hear or witness. I became a little numb. also, more cynical. I have so little faith in men especially in this country. everything is so easy, and so easily accessible. and most men here can resist everything but temptation. I would like to hear your views on marriage, since you are married, and you got married in better days than these days!

  8. Pru says:

    Oh and I LOVE what you’ve done with this place…i’m a little jealous :p

  9. tiger says:

    been a silent fan of ur blog for a while..but i i couldn’t resist not commenting:) I was discussing the same subject with a friend that day and came up with a strange analysis..but somehow liked it or settled for it..see men as any many animal (sorry humans are animal as biology says)on this planet are terrotorial and chain based..the more they are confident about there abilties the more they think they need to increase their dominance ..and that includes females as part of the territory..simpley saying usually men cheat their other halves coz of becoming too confident so they start thinking that this is my right to do and to increase my teritory coz now am a big monkey in the chain of command…females cheat simply and only if they feel low confident so they need someone from outside to assure them from that they are still wanted…why do u think we love the status of loving u females simply u increase our self confidence in general..but here it differs for the ethics and how much each one of us is raised..some of us is raised on the theory that he is so unique and god maybe should have made small prototypes of him ..from this kind fo guys yeah sure expect anything..others know the fact that they are not gods on this earth..yeah they have the same male greed but they control it and keep it in the drawers coz they know what they are risking

    • Nemer, been a while, hope you’re well. I donno why would a man be justifying this by creating theories. You just do it instinctively I never thought men need to justify it to themselves or their peers. especially when the crappy societies we live in kinda allow it… and women only want to be loved. when they cheat, it’s not for their confidence levels, but because of their lack of self worth, which ends up equating being desirable to being loved and valued.

      • tiger says:

        dima…am not justifying perosnally i have been into relationships and discovered this by noticing myself exactly as KJ mentioned below..its strange but its also natural thing..We as good guys keep it on the level of first look..and thats it(ya3nee el nazra el ola max el tanyeh)..now there is bad guys or sick guys or whatever u call them “the others” those guys have open playgrounds thats all

      • Verbal Alchemy says:

        I wasnt specifying or personalizing my comment. the “other” guys are actually in the devil’s playground…

  10. Touché says:

    I truly enjoyed the discussion 🙂

    Don’t they say boys will always be boys, well i think its imprinted in men genes, men are the hunters and food seekers by conquering other territories while women are the nest keepers and protectors, its just that men perceive sexual relations in a total different aspect than women, they have the capability to separate their emotions from their sexual actions as two separate entities while women perceive them as one thing. Its all about genes and hormones, the higher the levels the more guys are leaning toward satisfying their needs.

    Men cheat because they are physically and mentally inclined to it, and women cheat because they are provoked to it. So the trick is that women should understand those differences rather than fighting them and make sure that men are always kept under control.

    • Verbal Alchemy says:

      im not sure of your gender, but you’re sounding more male by the word 😛 lol i like ur input, not that i am looking forward to accepting a man’s cheating lifestyle, but ur eloquence there made it a little more easy on the ear.

  11. KJ says:

    I have to be honest that when I am seeing someone, somewhere in the back of my brain flips and I start to get attracted to other women and notice other women as well, though I haven’t acted upon those “urges” yet. If I am NOT in a relationship I don’t feel the need to have “many partners” or anything… it’s quite curious as to why that switch flips.

    I do agree we are pigs, with different levels of assholeness, and just because we don’t act on them doesn’t mean we don’t think about them. I guess it really depends on how much a man can control himself to maintain his image and self-respect

    • Verbal Alchemy says:

      thats a classic case of committment phobia Kj. The grass “appears” to be greener on the other side all the time.
      i agree to the last line. self control, self respect, and maintaining dignity is all what its about at the end of the day. I dont believe in right and wrong, I am not taking cheating from a religious view to adultery, I am simply talking human ethics and morals. And personally, I wouldnt wanna hurt someone like that just to fulfill curious ‘urges’. Your comment says a lot about the person you are, so, respect!

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