the insomniac’s musings

Posted: January 24, 2008 in bla bla bla, inside out, thoughts

last nite i had a full 5 hour sleep.. finally! its been a while..

funny (not funny ha ha) thing is that in all them sleepless nites, most my thoughts revolve around 2 major things that i somehow supress during my waking hours only to come back and haunt me at nite.. God/religion and how we have drifted from em so much as a community/society and how personally im away lately.. and the future.. all my life i thought i will die young.. donno why but its just my belief/gut feeling.. not to mention any palm reader i came across (with or without the intention of coming across em) freaks out at how short my life line is.. prolly why i dont plan much.. i take every day as it comes, and usually have no regrets.. except for one .. (but thats not bloggable material! too personal to share)..

i fear aging. not coz im a woman and the majority of women fear aging and looking not quite like they used to… but i fear losing this youth inside me. i fear menopause believe it or not! i fear having children and not being able to affect them in any way.. i fear a failed marriage.. i fear becoming one of those middle aged house wives with not much to look forward to but an end to her depression… i even fear not having a source of income and living on the streets! know its all in my head and my destiny is mine to shape, i do believe in fate dont get me wrong, but i think some things r ours to control.. sometimes i think i wanna know what tomorrow holds, but i believe that wud take out all the fun from living!

(mental note: resort to sheep counting often, it worked last nite!)
  1. Vendetta says:

    It is amazing how our fears and worries get magnified during the “sleeping” hours. Even if you’re not asleep the door to the subconcious is ajar and it gives way to the scary, sometimes absurd thoughts. AT least that’s my explanation to such nights. One look at your thoughts in the morning and you’ll go “what the hell was i thinking :S”!

    You’ll live a long and prosperous life and you’ll die peacefully of natural causes. I am as good a psychic as any other so you might as well believe me 😉

  2. Marvin the Martian says:

    I find such thoughts are worst from 3 to 5 AM. Something to do with the human circadian rhythm. Pru’s right – “what the hell was I thinking?” You will be fine. But if you want to avoid such thoughts, either tire yourself out so that you sleep through that period, or get up and do something productive, or go for a walk or something. Find that thing which will break that habit for you.

    I always thought I would die young also. I may yet. 😉

  3. Vendetta says:

    you know guys, people who feel they’ll die young usually outlive all their peers :p chances are you’re both gonna burry us all before you finally hit the cemetary 😛

  4. PŕōuđPāŀĩ says:

    pru: i know! i guess the power of the subconscious mind is indeed overpowering..

    and thanks Magus Pru! lol mwah

  5. PŕōuđPāŀĩ says:

    Marv: whats the human circadian rythm?? is that martian for something? 😛

    i tire myself everyday, i’ve done everything possible to rid myself of insomnia but it aint working, my average hours are 2-3 hours per night, if it happened! lol i however will be fine 😀 (and so will u!)

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